The Power of Indirect Action

Mind your tiller or meet the rocks

You can control your boat, but you can't control the river. You may be a able to influence other boats on the river, but if you try to force another boat to do what you want you may both end up getting swamped.

The power of the indirect effort says, we cannot change your view river we can only change ourselves.. But, the moment we plot a course, we gain control of the river.

You can't rise above the river, but you can use its currents to our advantage. Have you ever noticed that violence begets violence? In martial arts were taught to use the energy of the attacker to defeat the attack.

If someone criticizes you, do you fight back? Is better to evaluate the criticism and apply a course correction where it helps you guide your boat. If your boat is fine, don't fix what isn't broken. Most criticism will be well intended, but it probably won't be helpful. So forget about what people think and set your own course.

There's a flipside of that of course. You can shout at the other boats on the river, but unless they want your advice. They will ignore you. Don't offer advice unless you are asked for it.

We get what we want from the river, indirectly. It's called leadership. Set a good example, understand where you want to go and people who believe in you will follow. Just remember that the course you set, will depend on the course others you admire have set for themselves. If an experienced water man successfully negotiates the rapids, you'd be wise to follow the course already set.

Unconditional love, can be the most important thing in our lives. That doesn't mean we'll give an alcoholic drink just because he wants it. It does mean, we will offer our support for his efforts to control his boat on the river. When people begin to trust the river and their own skills to master it,they may look for the roughest white-water they can find and enjoy the thrill of being able to master the torrents. Just be sure you don't underestimate the river or over estimate your skills. When a kayaker gets flipped, the most important skill he has is the ability to right himself. Consider failure a learning experience, know how to recover when you need to and seek the rivers next challenge.

Stop worrying about things you can't control on the river. The river is not meant to be controlled; it's meant to be ridden. So sit back, and enjoy your ride.

Neighbors can rock your boat

I have a neighbor who is giving my wife a hard time. Nancy wants plants on our fence, not only because they're pretty, but because it helps to block our view of our neighbor’s messy yard. Over the years, the flower boxes kept getting knocked off the fence. I figured a cat was doing the damage, so wired the boxes to the fence to prevent an animal from knocking them off. Recently, the planter was knocked off the wall again. I realized it was our neighbor who was doing the damage.

Nancy had been watering the plants using the hose. Our neighbor objects to water sprinkling on his side of the fence. Recently, he has been cursing Nancy when she tries to water the plants.

Now, I don't take kindly to anyone who is impolite or rude to my wife, and I know this man as a wife beater and bully. I tried to tell him that his behavior was inappropriate, and if he couldn't be polite to my wife he should ignore her and talk to me. He proceeded to scream, holler and cursed at me.

Now, I figure he's a lonely, sad old man floating in a very rocky boat. His attitude is creating some very serious rapids in our lives.

Obviously, I couldn't communicate with him while he was screaming at me, so I simply wrote him a letter telling him that his behavior was unacceptable. But, we can continue to be good neighbors if we just treat each other politely.

In this case, we definitely were not speaking the same language; sure, we were both speaking English, but we weren't understanding each other. In this case, a letter documenting what I expected and what I will do to mitigate his complaints was probably the best way of communicating.

I can't control his boat. I can only control my own. I had to look at the causes and effects of our problem. Nancy wants plants on our wall and she gets water on his side of the fence when she waters her plants. He objects to water coming onto his property.

What to do? First, I bought Nancy a hose and a watering wand that will give her more control. The objective is to minimize any sprinkles that might get on my neighbor's side of the fence. I also built a couple of flower planter boxes that will be very difficult for him to knock off the fence. I designed the boxes with a splash back that should keep water from his side of the fence.

I've done my best to eliminate the cause of his anger. Now, our path on the river is up to him. Our river can flow smoothly, or he can whip it into dangerous rapids.

I've tried to apply two rules for navigating life. Rule one says, look to your own boat; understand cause and effect and trim your boat to handle whatever the river throws at you. Rule two says, if you want to communicate you have to speak the same language. Even if you are speaking the same language, you're not communicating unless everyone is willing to listen. Sometimes the best way of communicating is to put what you want to say in writing. Just be sure that what you say is positive and does not contain a threat. Threats, put in writing, can have serious legal consequences.

What's the difference between one million and one trillion?

Well, let's get a sense of how much one million is before we tackle a trillion. There are 60 minutes in an hour, 1440 minutes in a day, and 525,600 minutes in a year. Double 525,600 and you get 1,051,200. In other words, one million minutes is 35 days less than two years. If you took your age and divided it in two, you'd know about how many million minutes you've been alive. Now, the difference between a million and a billion is three more zeros. So, a million minutes takes about 2 years, a billion minutes takes about 2,000 years, and a trillion minutes takes about 200,000,000 years. That's a big difference. Think about that difference the next time you hear people discussing the U.S Federal budget.

You'll find a new feature on Navigating Life's main website: a free personality test

I've gotten tired of the free personality tests offered on so many websites.

They either lead you on by letting you answer the questions and then ask for payments or memberships before they'll send you the results, or they barrage you with so many advertisements before you get to the actual test that you begin to wonder if the advertisements are part of the test.

My solution? I wrote a personality test of my own. I've worked to make it accurate, easy, fun and informative. It's ready for testing. I call it "Navigating Life's Two Question Personality Test." Please let me know what you think.

You will find it on Navigating Life's main website, in the galley. Or you can simply click on this link. My only request is that if you enjoy the test, please pass the link on to any friends that you think might enjoy it as well.

I don't know how it's going to happen...Posted by Niki

I don't know how it's going to happen. But what I need to figure out is how to stay in L.A. I have a wedding to go to in August, in Hawaii. I'm from Hawaii; I'm attending my brother's wedding. Sounds amazing right? But before I leave, I need to make at the very least two thousand dollars to insure my staying in LA. Sounds easy enough...

However, with only an Arts Associates degree, I've been stuck working at Blockbuster, spending eight hours of my time for only eight fifty per hour--student loans ringing in my ears.

I don't know why I am writing this...

I am just a little paranoid that I won't be able to make enough to support myself and stay in L.A. If I don't find way to support myself, I will be stuck in Hawai`i. I know what you're going to say. "You will be STUCK in Hawaii? I wish that I could be stuck in Hawaii!" Don't get me wrong, Hawaii is my home, and I love it. However, Hawaii can't help me accomplish my dreams...

Okay...So I guess I don't really have a question to ask. If I did, my question would be, how to be independent in life. Yet, I already have the answer, a very blunt "Shut up! And do what you gotta do! Everyone has to go through trials; it's called growing up..." That voice comes into the back of my mind when I start getting paranoid and worried about how to accomplish my dreams...

Then I watch a movie about living life rather than pursuing a career, and I wonder, "Is the career I am chasing really worth it when I know that I have Hawaii anytime I want; I can grow old, fat and happy? I don't know. I turned twenty and the questions to life, I so want answered now, seem to be taking forever...

Stop Feeling Defensive and Reflect...

I often ask my clients to listen to reality television and talk shows featuring troubled relationships. I like them to listen carefully to what people are saying, using a principle called reflection. This principle simply states that what people think, see, and say about others reflects their personal and sometimes limiting belief systems. In other words, what people say about others, says everything about them.

We all have belief systems; habitual patters of thought and behavior that color our actions and in inform our world. Many problems, both personal and communal, can be traced to limiting and/or conflicting belief systems. Clients can only improve their lives after they have become aware of any limiting belief systems and learned to expand them. Unfortunately, most people are so attached to their beliefs that they can't really see past them, let alone question them. While teaching this principle to my clients, I find that nearly all of them immediate see its significance, but few actively use it on themselves and it can be dangerous for them to use it on their relationships until they have done so. Hence, I have come up with a way for them to practice safely, using reality television.

Following my own advice, I recently watched a talk show featuring a family of five. The children and father had "turned in" their mother for perfectionism. They wanted her to "loosen-up" a little and not be so "militant" with the house keeping. The show played a tape of a typical morning, wherein the son was made to remake his bed twice in order to meet his mom's high standards and each pillow had to be placed and fluffed "just so." When asked about her behavior the mother declared, "I'm just trying to show my kids that there is a right way of doing things...I want them to get used to what it's like in the real world...there is always somebody looking over your shoulder."

Wow, this woman believes that there is only one right way of doing things. This woman always feels that someone is looking over her shoulder. This woman never questions what she perceives to be the real world. No wonder she is driving her family and herself crazy. I'd go crazy too if I lived in a world where there was only one right way of doing things, and somebody was always looking over my shoulder. Reflection makes so many troubling perspectives clear.

How can you use reflection to clarify your life?

The next time you feel upset by what someone says about you, remember that what people say about you is never an accurate reflection of you. What people say about you is really a reflection of them. When people complain about you, they are really saying something about who they are and what they believe. Their words are clues to the struggles that they are having inside. So instead of just hearing the words that others use and instantly feeling defensive, you should try to listen to the messages behind their words. When you understand what others believe and intend, you can act upon their intentions with understanding. In fact, once you truly incorporate this principle into your belief system, you will no longer get defensive because you will know that people are never talking about you; words invariably reflect more about the speaker than the one spoken of.

And whenever you are frustrated with someone else, remember that any frustration you feel is usually a reflection of something lost inside of you, something that wants to be made whole. Make yourself whole, and the frustration goes away. Follow this rule, and you will actually begin to see life's frustrations as divine gifts designed to help you understand yourself. In other words, listen to what you say about others. What you say about others says everything about you...

A fable about holding on...

Once upon a time, there were three little eggs in a nest. The biggest egg hatched first. Out of the shell struggled a chick full of determination and drive. Within minutes of his hatching, this brave little chick was already flexing his wings, looking forward to the great day of his first flight. All night he worked hard, pumping his wings so that by the time his two siblings hatched a day later, he was by far the strongest of the three. His determination never left him. While the other two exercised, he exercised. While the other two basked, he exercised. While the other two played, he exercised. Soon his wings were full grown and strong, so he was quite surprised when his middle brother flew off before him and never returned to the nest. “How is it that my brother can fly away, but I can’t? My wings are every bit as strong as his. Indeed my wings are stronger than his.”

He became more determined to fly than ever. While his youngest brother exercised, he exercised. While his youngest brother basked, he exercised. While his youngest brother played, he exercised. While his youngest brother slept, he exercised! His wings became even more glorious, bright and strong. "Surely any minute," he thought to himself, "I will fly." Yet, try as he might, he could not gain height.

He was dumfounded when the next day his youngest brother rose into the air and flew away before him. He might have stayed in that nest flexing his wings until the end of his life, had his youngest sibling not taken pity and returned with some parting advice. “Your wings are strong. They will take you far, but first you have to let go of the nest.”

Too often we have the tools we need to take flight, but we fail to launch because our fears keep us clinging to what we know...