What causes a messy kitchen?

Not cleaning up the mess as you go along.

What causes a messy life?

Not facing life’s circumstances as you go along.

Perhaps the most important lesson that parents can teach their children is the connection between picking up after themselves and the quality of their lives. But how many parents actually believe that principle themselves and have made a habit of picking up their own messes? Children learn from what we do, not from what we say.

One study, by the Josephson Institute of Ethics in Marina Del Rey, showed that 72 percent of all high school students surveyed believed that people needed to cheat in order to succeed in life. These students also admitted to cheating on their tests and actually seemed proud of their cheating skills. What caused these students to have such a strange view of success? What caused them to have such a warped view of the river? What caused people to stop valuing integrity and start valuing manipulation? How can we change that cause before it’s too late?

Did you know that when you change what people value, you often change how they behave? And strangely enough, people tend to value what other people admire. People tend to repeat and emulate the actions that bring them admiration, attention, acceptance, or approval. So what does this study suggest that we, as a nation, have been rewarding with our attention, acceptance, approval and admiration?

Have you ever asked your children how they define success, or power? Do you think that they know the difference between respect born from love and respect born from fear? Do you know the difference? Which do you think your children believe is more powerful—fear, or love? Which do you think is more powerful? Why? What caused you to believe what you do?

What causes guilt? Guilt is that feeling you get when you know that you have done something wrong. Guilt, used wisely, can keep you from making the same wrong choice twice. But people can also use your guilt to manipulate you because uncertainty and doubt often accompany guilt. People can use your guilt and your doubts against you whenever you are unclear about who you are, what you value, or why you make the choices that you do.

Above the entrance to the Greek Oracle of Delphi, a stoneworker once carved the words, “know thyself.” These words express the greatest advice ever given to mankind. If you don’t know who you are and what you value, then every action you take will seem doubtful. But when you finally do know yourself—when you do know who you are, when you do know what you value, and when you do know what you were meant to contribute to the river—then you will finally be able to stop defending your life, and you will finally be able to start living it.