Something to consider if people don't always listen to you...

Whenever people discover that I teach classes in effective listening, they immediately joke about signing up their spouses, their kids, their co-workers and their bosses. They hardly ever suggest signing up themselves; however, the principles of effective listening suggest that when people complain about others not listening to them, they've probably not been listening very effectively to others. And I bet that you can guess how many people welcome that idea when it's brought to their attention.

Communication is circular. We usually send a message because we're hoping for a certain response. But too often we don't consider how our messages must be sent to insure that we get our desired response. We just start talking, and then we get frustrated whenever people don't react as we'd like. We fail to say what we mean, and then we fight over whatever we said. We can listen to people so long as we agree with them; but the moment we disagree, we stop listening and start defending our perspective. However, effective communication is not about agreeing; it's about understanding.

The word communication is derived from the Latin word for "common." In other words, communication is the ability to bring separate minds together in a common understanding. Whenever we sincerely communicate with people, we create rapport. What is rapport? The dictionary defines it as, "a connection between people, an affinity, a harmonious, or sympathetic relationship." But too often, people use communication to prove a point, not to create rapport, affinity and understanding. Without understanding, effective communication is impossible.

In order to reach understandings, people need to examine how they define understanding. Too many people confuse understanding with passing judgment. Like the time one of my students told me how well she understood her ex-husband.

"Oh, I understand him alright," she assured me; and to prove herself right, she began to rattle off a list of his sins. "He's egotistical, selfish, uneducated, uncaring, immature, irresponsible and lazy."

"If you were to say those things to his face," I asked, "Do you think that he would feel understood?"

"Probably not."

In truth, when people don't feel understood by you, by definition you haven't understood them. True understanding only occurs when the people around you actually feel understood. Moreover, most people disregard opinions coming from anyone that they feel misunderstands them, so if you ever want to become persuasive, perhaps you should learn the techniques of effective listening. Your ability to listen effectively can help people listen to you...