You'll find a new feature on Navigating Life's main website: a free personality test

I've gotten tired of the free personality tests offered on so many websites.

They either lead you on by letting you answer the questions and then ask for payments or memberships before they'll send you the results, or they barrage you with so many advertisements before you get to the actual test that you begin to wonder if the advertisements are part of the test.

My solution? I wrote a personality test of my own. I've worked to make it accurate, easy, fun and informative. It's ready for testing. I call it "Navigating Life's Two Question Personality Test." Please let me know what you think.

You will find it on Navigating Life's main website, in the galley. Or you can simply click on this link. My only request is that if you enjoy the test, please pass the link on to any friends that you think might enjoy it as well.

I don't know how it's going to happen...Posted by Niki

I don't know how it's going to happen. But what I need to figure out is how to stay in L.A. I have a wedding to go to in August, in Hawaii. I'm from Hawaii; I'm attending my brother's wedding. Sounds amazing right? But before I leave, I need to make at the very least two thousand dollars to insure my staying in LA. Sounds easy enough...

However, with only an Arts Associates degree, I've been stuck working at Blockbuster, spending eight hours of my time for only eight fifty per hour--student loans ringing in my ears.

I don't know why I am writing this...

I am just a little paranoid that I won't be able to make enough to support myself and stay in L.A. If I don't find way to support myself, I will be stuck in Hawai`i. I know what you're going to say. "You will be STUCK in Hawaii? I wish that I could be stuck in Hawaii!" Don't get me wrong, Hawaii is my home, and I love it. However, Hawaii can't help me accomplish my dreams...

Okay...So I guess I don't really have a question to ask. If I did, my question would be, how to be independent in life. Yet, I already have the answer, a very blunt "Shut up! And do what you gotta do! Everyone has to go through trials; it's called growing up..." That voice comes into the back of my mind when I start getting paranoid and worried about how to accomplish my dreams...

Then I watch a movie about living life rather than pursuing a career, and I wonder, "Is the career I am chasing really worth it when I know that I have Hawaii anytime I want; I can grow old, fat and happy? I don't know. I turned twenty and the questions to life, I so want answered now, seem to be taking forever...

Stop Feeling Defensive and Reflect...

I often ask my clients to listen to reality television and talk shows featuring troubled relationships. I like them to listen carefully to what people are saying, using a principle called reflection. This principle simply states that what people think, see, and say about others reflects their personal and sometimes limiting belief systems. In other words, what people say about others, says everything about them.

We all have belief systems; habitual patters of thought and behavior that color our actions and in inform our world. Many problems, both personal and communal, can be traced to limiting and/or conflicting belief systems. Clients can only improve their lives after they have become aware of any limiting belief systems and learned to expand them. Unfortunately, most people are so attached to their beliefs that they can't really see past them, let alone question them. While teaching this principle to my clients, I find that nearly all of them immediate see its significance, but few actively use it on themselves and it can be dangerous for them to use it on their relationships until they have done so. Hence, I have come up with a way for them to practice safely, using reality television.

Following my own advice, I recently watched a talk show featuring a family of five. The children and father had "turned in" their mother for perfectionism. They wanted her to "loosen-up" a little and not be so "militant" with the house keeping. The show played a tape of a typical morning, wherein the son was made to remake his bed twice in order to meet his mom's high standards and each pillow had to be placed and fluffed "just so." When asked about her behavior the mother declared, "I'm just trying to show my kids that there is a right way of doing things...I want them to get used to what it's like in the real world...there is always somebody looking over your shoulder."

Wow, this woman believes that there is only one right way of doing things. This woman always feels that someone is looking over her shoulder. This woman never questions what she perceives to be the real world. No wonder she is driving her family and herself crazy. I'd go crazy too if I lived in a world where there was only one right way of doing things, and somebody was always looking over my shoulder. Reflection makes so many troubling perspectives clear.

How can you use reflection to clarify your life?

The next time you feel upset by what someone says about you, remember that what people say about you is never an accurate reflection of you. What people say about you is really a reflection of them. When people complain about you, they are really saying something about who they are and what they believe. Their words are clues to the struggles that they are having inside. So instead of just hearing the words that others use and instantly feeling defensive, you should try to listen to the messages behind their words. When you understand what others believe and intend, you can act upon their intentions with understanding. In fact, once you truly incorporate this principle into your belief system, you will no longer get defensive because you will know that people are never talking about you; words invariably reflect more about the speaker than the one spoken of.

And whenever you are frustrated with someone else, remember that any frustration you feel is usually a reflection of something lost inside of you, something that wants to be made whole. Make yourself whole, and the frustration goes away. Follow this rule, and you will actually begin to see life's frustrations as divine gifts designed to help you understand yourself. In other words, listen to what you say about others. What you say about others says everything about you...

A fable about holding on...

Once upon a time, there were three little eggs in a nest. The biggest egg hatched first. Out of the shell struggled a chick full of determination and drive. Within minutes of his hatching, this brave little chick was already flexing his wings, looking forward to the great day of his first flight. All night he worked hard, pumping his wings so that by the time his two siblings hatched a day later, he was by far the strongest of the three. His determination never left him. While the other two exercised, he exercised. While the other two basked, he exercised. While the other two played, he exercised. Soon his wings were full grown and strong, so he was quite surprised when his middle brother flew off before him and never returned to the nest. “How is it that my brother can fly away, but I can’t? My wings are every bit as strong as his. Indeed my wings are stronger than his.”

He became more determined to fly than ever. While his youngest brother exercised, he exercised. While his youngest brother basked, he exercised. While his youngest brother played, he exercised. While his youngest brother slept, he exercised! His wings became even more glorious, bright and strong. "Surely any minute," he thought to himself, "I will fly." Yet, try as he might, he could not gain height.

He was dumfounded when the next day his youngest brother rose into the air and flew away before him. He might have stayed in that nest flexing his wings until the end of his life, had his youngest sibling not taken pity and returned with some parting advice. “Your wings are strong. They will take you far, but first you have to let go of the nest.”

Too often we have the tools we need to take flight, but we fail to launch because our fears keep us clinging to what we know...

Something to consider if people don't always listen to you...

Whenever people discover that I teach classes in effective listening, they immediately joke about signing up their spouses, their kids, their co-workers and their bosses. They hardly ever suggest signing up themselves; however, the principles of effective listening suggest that when people complain about others not listening to them, they've probably not been listening very effectively to others. And I bet that you can guess how many people welcome that idea when it's brought to their attention.

Communication is circular. We usually send a message because we're hoping for a certain response. But too often we don't consider how our messages must be sent to insure that we get our desired response. We just start talking, and then we get frustrated whenever people don't react as we'd like. We fail to say what we mean, and then we fight over whatever we said. We can listen to people so long as we agree with them; but the moment we disagree, we stop listening and start defending our perspective. However, effective communication is not about agreeing; it's about understanding.

The word communication is derived from the Latin word for "common." In other words, communication is the ability to bring separate minds together in a common understanding. Whenever we sincerely communicate with people, we create rapport. What is rapport? The dictionary defines it as, "a connection between people, an affinity, a harmonious, or sympathetic relationship." But too often, people use communication to prove a point, not to create rapport, affinity and understanding. Without understanding, effective communication is impossible.

In order to reach understandings, people need to examine how they define understanding. Too many people confuse understanding with passing judgment. Like the time one of my students told me how well she understood her ex-husband.

"Oh, I understand him alright," she assured me; and to prove herself right, she began to rattle off a list of his sins. "He's egotistical, selfish, uneducated, uncaring, immature, irresponsible and lazy."

"If you were to say those things to his face," I asked, "Do you think that he would feel understood?"

"Probably not."

In truth, when people don't feel understood by you, by definition you haven't understood them. True understanding only occurs when the people around you actually feel understood. Moreover, most people disregard opinions coming from anyone that they feel misunderstands them, so if you ever want to become persuasive, perhaps you should learn the techniques of effective listening. Your ability to listen effectively can help people listen to you...

What Happens When Rewards Are Perceived As Punishments...

I remember my second visit to Bosnia. It was in the winter of 1997. Unlike Hillary, I don't remember sniper fire and I will not "miss-speak," or in this case "miss-write" my recollections. I do remember learning that when people are rewarded with what they perceive as a punishment, you can expect to be bit in your proverbial "arss-in-all."

First a little background. I am no soldier or hero. I simply volunteered to participate in the Department of Defense's Overseas Show program. This is a little publicized branch of the military that simply seeks to provide some basic and inexpensive back home entertainment for troops who live outside of the country. Unlike the USO, volunteers live, travel, sleep, and eat with the soldiers. I went on four tours, and each time I realized that the comedy shows we did were not nearly as important as our simply bringing new faces to lonely, isolated, and hardworking camps. Amazingly, these soldiers always treated us like heroes.

Bosnia in the winter of 1997 was the worst of our tours, and the most profound. Worst because Bosnia in winter is a very cold place, particularly when you are asked to sleep in a "tent city" where every space heater has to be shut off before people go to sleep. Space heaters in tents are considered a fire hazard. We were snowed in at one camp for three days, and we did a show every night. Our improvisational comedy was particularly appreciated because we kept incorporating the water dripping through the leaky roof of our "stage." Each night, I lived through the most uncomfortable "rests" of my life, asking myself to sleep but being too cold to relax and too warm to die. I remember thinking that hell was not full of fire, but full of a painful cold that would never end. I only suffered through three nights of this torture; the soldiers around me were looking at six months. I remember how in the next camp, we were assigned rooms in a once condemned but recently reclaimed building. We danced through the decaying plaster as if we had found a warm haven in heaven.

One night, after a show, one of the soldiers made a comment that I will never forget. He said, "You have to be careful about doing a good job around here, or they will stick you with another year's tour."

So what does my story have to do with you?

Too often leaders reward people's work with an expectation of more work without more reward. Even worse, we often punish the very actions we should be rewarding. During a lecture on rewards and punishments, I once had a student raise his hand to say, "That's so true. Whenever I help out at home, I just get asked to do more. The more I help, the more I get asked to do. It's gotten so I don't volunteer for anything. The other day, my aunt's gardener got sick and couldn't make his weekly visit, so I decided to help out with the lawn. I spent all weekend cleaning and mowing. Do you know how my aunt rewarded me? She fired the gardener, and made the yard my responsibility."

Don't punish people who are doing well by expecting even more. Whenever we ask for help, get help, and instantly expect more help, we punish the very actions that we want repeated. The bottom line of this article is simply this...if you don't like what people have been giving you; you should examine what you might have been inadvertently rewarding...